Tuesday, June 8, 2010

P4 157.0 +Tom

Wow is all I can say.... today I am really feeling the hormones... explaines the gain, and to be honest I feel pretty heavy right now... uuugh... ya not a good feeling.. I hate this time of the month. Feeling really down on myself... came home and ate a peanut butter sandwitch... without honey or jam or peanut butter... geez... crazy because i have never cared much for them... i dont know.. have been craving sugar the last few days too.

Trying to quit smoking has been a fruitless battle this week as well. I made it all day today until about 5 pm or so and then just broke down in tears and bought a pack of smokes... I think i have been putting too much pressure on myself to do too many things and losing sight of the perspective. I have been trying not to drink as well so in the last week and a half only had one beer when out with friends for mexican food. Right now I just want to drink a whole bottle of wine and soak in the tub. Wish I felt more positive... will check in later.. by the way i did loose a half a pound from yesterday to today so even though i am up about a pound not too worried about it. Hope you are all doing good

Saturday, June 5, 2010

P4 155.8

Totally happy with the weight at this point and I think the biggest key for me is that through this process I have learned to modify my eating and intake and have found myself really not craving food etc as I used to. I think my perspective has changed from one of using food for gratification to one of necessity.There have been a few days where I have found myself hungry and needing to eat but doing it out of necessity rather than a need or desire for any specific thing. Its almost like I can take it or leave it so to speak in regard to making food choices. I am not perfect with this by any means though and have to admit last monday i ate not one but two ice cream bars... but the funny thing though is that I used to be a sugar addict big time and a major carb lover. Now its just moderation and other than the ice cream bars last week really have avoided refined sugars etc.

Im learing with the weight, emotions, life experiences etc that it is all about balance. I am trying to find that balance in my life and searching for the place where I am healthy internally and externally. I am not sure if I mentioned that I have started meditating which I have to admit has really helped a tremendous amount! It is a fantastic way to find your center and place of peace. Has helped me alot! I am thinking I need to start some kind of excercise or physical activity and have heard that pilates is a great way to tone and tighten. Have any of you tried it? Would reccomend it etc? Also, wondering if this is the case are there any video's that would be worthwile or would this be something best done in a classroom/gym setting?

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

P4 156.6

Hi Everyone... wow what a week it has been for sure... Both the best and the worst!! I have been maintaining so far with even some loss fluctuations. Most likely need to eat more. I am so happy though to be able to notice everyday how great it feels to be thinner again.. not where I am working towards yet however I have to mention that every single pair of pants that I have are now pretty loose on me. Which is a wonderful , wonderful feeling... I was a 14-16 before and had a few pairs of pants that were around a 13. Now I am guessing probbably I am a 12 or so. Whohoo!! Feels soooo good!!

So on the brighter side I read a book today that I really really would reccomend and loved. It is by Eckhart Tole (sp?) It is titled practicing the power of now. Incredibly insightfull book and I just devoured it!! It was exactly the right thing at the right time in my life in order to accept and heal from the past and to give up my anxiety about the future and find the peace and harmony and love that is within myself now!! Truly I am at a crossroads in my life at this point in the journey and deciding to make changes internally as well as externally as well as behaviour modifications.. ie- not drinking so much and also working on quitting smoking! I have realized and thought for some time now that is not ulitmately where I want to be. The funny thing too is Mr Chemestry had said to me a couple of times that those behaviours just didn't fit with who I am. When I heard it in that manner it made total sense and my subconcious had been thinking the same for a while.

Well on to the acceptance part! After a whirlwind month long romance that was spectacularly amazing to the utmost degree, we have decided to be friends rather than the other. I have been struggling with that the last few days and for the first time today have realized that I can accept that and that resisting that or feeling loss/ pain is only going to keep me in the place that I wont be open or able to move on to the next jorney. Well hope everyone is doing fantastic!! Love to all!

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

P4 159.8lbs

Wow, ya for sure, almost a two pound weight gain. Wowsers... I did have the chocolate cake yesterday on my birthday and we ate at PF Chang's for dinner. I had some white rice for the first time, and also ate an In and Out burger for lunch. I didn't really overeat , however I think the concentrated calories combined with the fat and sugar in the cake did me in. It's ok, now I know and I am still below my lowest dose weight so I am not going to worry for now unless for some reason I keep climbing. I anticipated a gain, but was truly suprised at how much!
It's interesting too how I can feel the extra weight around my middle when i gain a pound or two, whereas before I didn't really notice it much. I am extremely tired though and also need to concentrate on getting some sleep. I have been getting around 4 or 5 hours a night for the last few weeks with the exception of a few weekend days where i was able to sleep in. I can also feel the depletion in my reserves etc.. it will be interesting to see how the next few days develop!

Saturday, May 22, 2010

Phase 4 178.1 lbs

Well, I have lost.. a bit over the last few days.. I am actually suprised.. I havent been eating too much though and mabye not enough its hard to say... I definately have a different outlook on food and what i chose to eat or not. I went out on a date thursday night with Mr. Chemestry to one of my favorite seafood places and they have absolutely fantastic food!! Their deserts are to die for as well... absolutely incredible and probbably for the first time ever I didnt order one or have any. I didnt miss it too much either.. I think my desire to stay thinner is greater than my desire for a raspberry torte or chocolate cake. I do have to say however that the small ammount of sugar that I have had has just been so sweet almost too much! It's my birthday on monday though and I will likely order something yummy for desert. You know come to think of it I have always loved the flavored creamers in my morning coffee but now i have stuck with the half and half due to the fact that they taste sooooo sweet.. almost too much so!! I really think sugar has been a culprit in my weight for a while. It feels so good to not be craving it! In fact I can honestly say that i am really not craving anything in particular! Its such a nice change!!

Well hope everyone is doing great and much love to all!!!

Ps. when a guy talks to you almost every night for hours at a time... does that mean he really likes you?? This guy is different from those i have been with before.. as in not as expressive and overflowing with sweet words etc... or just a brief email such as good morning , very nice to spend some time with you last night.. and thats it... I think he likes me as much as I do him, but its kind of hard to tell. Anyone have any input on this? My guy friend said most guys are like that...hmmmm.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

P4 159.9lbs

Wow... is all I can say... and also apoligize for not sharing for the last week!! Holy cow!! Annnnnddd what a week it has been for sure!!

Well I have transitioned from phase 3 to phase 4, and so far have been able to maintain at around 160 within a pound or so... I feel that is a success!!! Yea!!! I have noticed though that it seems to be sugar that triggers my weight gains, and if I avoid or limit the ammount of sugar, the fat or carbs dont seem to bother me too much! I haven't gone carb crazy though which is interesting.. i havent yet had a pasta dish like spaghetti or chips and salsa.. that kind of thing.

So far so good and I promise I will try and keep updated more!

The biggest news is that I am really falling for Mr Chemestry!! Ohhh yeaaaa big time. It is very interesting though and as I sit here tonight thinking about it I have realized that as with the process of losing weight and changing or shifting your perceptions of yourself the same needs to happen with relationships. Its an interesting challenge to try and accept and love yourself as you make the leap to allow and accept that possibly, just perhaps there is someone else out there that also can.

He is experienced in Yoga and Mediatation and shared with me a meditation to try which while was a bit akward while doing actually helped sooooo much! I think that there are alot of positive changes coming up , hopefully all for the better! Oh and I forgot to mention.. he is a natropath who is extremely knowledgeable about herbs, and health things. He eats mostly raw fruits and vegi's etc.. and had a quesadilla last weekend as well as pizza... i had to laugh as he said he could hardly remember the last time he had eaten pizza or cheese... wow... yeah about as far removed from what I am used to as you could imagine.. didn't someone say opposites attract??? LOL

Hope everyone is doing great and just taking it day by day!!

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Day 16 P3 159.8

Ok well first of all Happy Mother's Day to all of you lovely mom's out there!
So sorry I havent posted.. I figured that rather than post each day i will break it down right here..
Day 13 - 160.8 +1
Day 14 - 161.7 +.9
Day 15 - 161.4 -.03
Day 16 - 159.8 - 1.6

Ok so I think that for now it looks like my body wants to stabilize around the 160-162 area.. which I am going to try and maintain... Its very interesting... I am happy thus far and feel good about not wildly swinging one direction or another.. even though my ldw was 164 for the last week and a half or so my weight wants to stay within the 160-162 range. Less than a week to go now with phase 3 and then will start adding in carbs modestly and see what happens..

I have to confess though over the last couple of day's i have cheated some with carbs,.. I have a weakness for cheese quesadillas and indulged in one on friday at work and also late friday night.
Thursday night i had some sushi.. which has some white rice in it ... so far though it hasn't completely shocked my system or anything and my weight still seems to want to hover in that lower range. I am optomistic that if I use caution regarding the carbs when phase 3 is done that I will be able to maintain the losses. One of the biggest shifts that has been interesting to me is changing my diet and cutting out the carbs.. i am a total carb lover and my diet previously was mostly carbs. I think the tradeoff of using those as a compliment in my meals rather than the primary food source is worth it. I would still love to have some pasta and pizza though. LOL

Ok so onto Mr. Chemestry right.. LOL ok, well it has been an interesting week thus far regarding this... the main reason that I havent posted is due to the fact that we have been spending hours on the phone with each other and went on a date thurs night (hence the sushi) .. I have to laugh at myself regarding the date thursday night because I probbably couldn't have orchistrated what not to do on a date any better.... for instance.. I was sooo nervous and couldn't relax and I just said and did the wrong things throughout,.. here are a couple of examples .. when we were up in Park City for dinner and talking he said it would be fun to get a hotel and spend the weekend up there sometime.. either alone or with the kids and dog etc... and also suggested hmm.. mabye we could take a road trip sometime.. that would be fun right? He then said of course if I am inviting you I would pay etc.. he said I generally take care of the expenses when I am out with friends or other people. He then said how do you feel about that etc.. and I was quiet for a few minutes (while thinking in my head.. should I dispute that or offer to pay for half etc.. if that were to happen.. what is the correct way to handle that statement) so I said... ummmm... well I think that makes you a very generous person.. and then moved on to something else.. UUUgh.. there is my first mistake. I talked to one of my male friends and he said oh my gosh... turn that around and see how you would feel if you suggested to him to take a roadtrip or stay in a hotel etc sometime and he came back with .. um... i think it sounds like you are a generous person... LOL ok so I totally didn't see the forest for the trees on that.. as I said was too caught up in trying to make a good impression and just wasnt myself.. and then driving home we got talking about camping etc.. and he said he had spent alot of time in the mountians overnight, and sometimes for extended periods.. to which i replied "by choice?" He turned to me and said lady are you kidding? Do you think I am homeless or something?? and at that point i was like oh my gosh... ok.. well here is the coup de grace ok... we get back to my house.. kids are at their dads and we are alone.. so what do i do you might ask yourself... why I bring out my color profile book on personality's and proceed to give him a psycological exam... uuugh... don't even ask how this was taken ok.. bad.... ya.. so needless to say he inturupted this by kissing me and I let it go at that point.. however wanst ready to go too far so a bit later he ended up leaving , but it was soooo akward... anyhow.. meanwhile I am second guessing myself and thinking I probbably missed the best opportunity that i had to really be intimate with this hot sexy guy that I could bounce a quarter off any part of his anatomy.. LOL sigh.. long story short I didn't hear from him friday and later that night after the suggestion of a couple of friends sent him an email explaining that I was just not myself that night and was too worried about impressing him. If i had it to do over again I would just go with the flow and be myself. etc.. long story short he emailed me back and said he was still processing things and that at this point had yet to come to any conclusions one way or another but said you can imagine what was going through my head when you give me a psycological profile test designed to determine compatibility or quash any potential disasters etc.... well long story short he did call me yesterday (Sat) and we did end up talking last night for about 5 hours or so... which has been fairly typical all week. Not sure where this is going to go but we will see huh? so there you have it.. I have learned some valuable lessons this week .. 1- to just be myself and not worry about impressing anyone.. and 2- I am terrible about dating and terribly intimidated by hot sexy men... LOL