Emotional ups and downs

Ok, well I realized that i havent posted much about what has been happening the last bit or so with me emotionally so i grabbed the laptop, and my heating pad and climbed into bed... btw.. i started that TOM today... (hmm.. wonder how much that plays in to the cravings and food binges last night.) Its raining today which i love if you are with your partner and can snuggle up and enjoy it , but the rainy days have been really tough on me for the last year since my husband left to pursue the affair he had going with his secertary... (long story that one.. better for another time.. )

So I went to Old Navy yesterday with my daughter who needed a t-shirt for a project at school and while I was there decided to pick up a couple of new shirts myself. I took them in the dressing room and tried them on.. and you know what.. I absolutely HATE trying on clothes, clothes shopping in general and most especially dressing rooms.. uuugh.. when I look at myself in the mirror at home I can see definate progress and feel good about the results from the weight loss but I swear, the mirrors and the lighting in most dressing rooms always make me walk out of there feeling like Shrek... so as i was thinking about last night.. i wonder how much of that feeling combined in my decision to have a few drinks and a quesadilla? Coincidence? I think not... I have realized without the numbing effects of food and alcohol over the last few weeks that I need to find good/positive ways to help myself feel better and to deal with lonliness, stress and rejection.

I should mention because i cant remember if I did before that I signed up on a free singles web site for dating a couple of weeks ago and it has been good for the most part and kept me distracted which has helped a lot! So I have been communicating online with a number of different guys and have had 5 of them give me their number and want to talk on the phone. Well I have been terrified to do that because naturally if that were to happen and go well they would likely suggest meeting for dinner etc... which would have been terribly akward while on the vlcd phase 2. So anyhow.. i have pretty much avoided that thus far with a couple of exceptions. The first was a guy who chatted with me back and forth for a good week and we seemed to really hit it off well. I got his number and called him last Sunday and we spoke briefly for the first and probbably last time.. We had discussed the important stuff prior to talking on the phone like honesty, integrity, infidelity etc.. well anynow.. the first thing he said to me was... well I know this may sound a bit odd but I need to share this with you,. and he said he grew up in a small town about 2 hours south of here and that is where his family and kids live. What he didnt tell me until our phone conversation is that he still lives in the same house as his exwife when he goes down there !!!! What??? He said they are still friends etc and he is trying to sell the house and move up here and that it is kind of wierd but thats what they are doing... Red flags anyone....!!!! Yeah I thought so too... and with my history of my exhusband cheating on me I figured that this was the last situation I needed to be involved with..... so the rest of the weekend i was thinking about it and thinking about how some people believe you have to learn the lesson from the life experiences that you have so that you dont have to keep repeating the same lessons over and over and continue drawing or manefesting the same circumstances into your life etc.. and it made me think... so what part of this do i need to get, heal etc.. so that I am not attracting this kind of bs into my life and or another person without integrity...? Im still working on figuring that one out.. anyhow.. I know its a long post but one more thing i have noticed is that when i think about meeting these new people for the first time, sometimes i feel excited and have a positive attitude thinking that if we click thats great and if we dont, then its not meant to be etc... and then the negitive thoughts or side of that leave me thinking that there are so many skinny, cute, young, single girls out there.. that there is no way i can compete and how is anyone going to be able to overlook the fact that i am still a good 40 lbs or so overweight and have a bunch of stretch marks and an apron of skin.. which gets more pronounced as i loose weight.. so it leaves me feeling very inadequite and depressed. Dont get me wrong, I know I have some fantastic qualities but in this superficial world sometimes its all about the chemestry and attraction and weight etc.. sooo... theres where im at emotionally.... will keep you posted.